The Black Water Dive that was Just a Night Dive

In my OOTO message for this trip to Cozumel I was extremely dramatic about doing a black water dive. I sounded like I was about to be disappeared into the Mariana Trench. But we did not do a black water dive and I did not see any glowing alien shrimp. Unfortunately, I also did not die.

The black water dive was cancelled for reasons that are still unknown to me because the moment I stepped off that dive boat each day I was drunk. I don't remember the logistics and I am afraid to ask.

Because maybe I did do the dive and I just blacked out. Or maybe I passed out before and missed that dive. Either of these things is possible when you’re a disappointing bitch such as myself.

I wouldn't want to alert anyone to my extreme recklessness and lose my diving privileges. If someone asks me how that dive went, I'll be like IT WAS AWESOME!

Night Dives and Various Shark Problems

Instead we did a night dive. I’ve never done a night dive until now because I watched Jaws when I was 5 years old. Then I spent my formative years watching Shark Week instead of participating in organized religion. As an adult, I graduated into more scholarly documentaries like Sharknado and Deep Blue Sea. I continue to watch any shark film that my streaming service suggestions and it knows that.

I know so much about sharks that I should be a marine biologist. Instead, I make student loan payments for a degree in political science that I have used mainly to give myself anxiety. This is not a good timeline to know things.

It’s actually embarrassing to take my degree off the wall every time I move from one of my rental homes. This piece of shit cost so much money and it is nothing more than a symbol of financial illiteracy and failure. I only keep it because I spent $200 to get it framed. So I guess it's art now.

I'm just going to start calling myself a marine biologist and take a sharpie to the diploma. I'll add "of the sea" to the end of it. If a sharpie can change the path of a hurricane, then it should be able to edit my real life mistake and get me a job cleaning tanks at Sea World.

See how I made that subtle political science reference? That costed upward of $35k plus a lifetime of interest.

Night Dives are at Shark Dinner Time

As an expert, I can tell you that the first rule of not getting eaten by a shark is to never go in the water at dawn or dusk because that is dinner time for sharks.

I’m all for getting eaten by a shark in the daytime for visibility reasons. But getting attacked by a shark in the night just seems disrespectful. The ocean is dark during the day but at night... at night it's a black hole filled with teeth and unspeakable terrors.

God himself does not go into the ocean at night.

At least if a shark attacks you in the day time there will be witnesses. You probably won't see it because the mask kills your peripheral vision but your buddy might. Then when you regain consciousness in the hospital, or arrive as a ghost at your own funeral, you'll be able to say you were taken out by a real majestic tiger shark. And it can go in your obituary, which would be badass.

And if I don't die, I still need to know what kind of shark was responsible for all the weight I lose once I no longer have a leg. It's really rude to maim someone without identifying yourself.

Otherwise, you’ll have to call the Discovery Channel and get one of those shark experts to compare shark teeth to blown up photos of your bite injuries on TV. And I'm sure the bites would be on all my fattest body parts so that would be humiliating.

Even worse, can you imagine the embarrassment if they concluded that you were attacked by some basic bitch reef shark?! Just some mid-level predator? No, absolutely not! My friends would never stop roasting me if I died by the teeth of a glorified sardine that panics when you make eye contact with it.

I have instructed my dive buddy to say it was a Great White even if I get dragged down by a rouge current or fall off the boat. Who's going to prove him wrong? I'm lost at sea, bitch.

The Night Dive

So I did the ill advised night dive because I make poor decisions and easily succumb to peer pressure. You'd think the flashlight would make me feel more secure but it just highlights how doomed you are when you realize you can't see anything beyond the beam.

It did help to startle an alarming number of crabs. Crabs are nocturnal which seems weird because their lobster cousins walk around in broad daylight even though their flesh is worth [insert market value] per pound.

I didn't see anything that I have not seen during the day, so I guess the real point of the night dive is to experience the exhilaration of pure, unadulterated terror. Mission accomplished. At least I felt something, I guess.

If a Shark Eats You On a Night Dive

So you're alone in the dark of a vast ocean where you can see only what the flashlight touches. If a shark attacked, you'd just get swallowed by the darkness. Almost complete silence, too! Your buddy would just see your light go out.

If I am reading the facebook comments correctly, people will say you deserved it.

What were you even doing swimming around looking so fucking scrumptious, drawing attention to yourself with 1300 lumens at shark dinner time? Idiot.

You'd never find out who killed you because when a shark murders you, no one investigates that kind of homicide. You're not a celebrity like Steve Irwin, nobody cares about you. There is no CSI: Ocean Edition. They’re not getting DNA on that shark. You'll get roasted on facebook, case closed. What a devastating legacy!

At least if I see the shark I can enjoy a moment of awe that I’m seeing a tiger shark for the first time... right before I am devoured. But this is Mexico so I'm more likely to get eaten by a bull shark, which I'd also be fine with as long as I can see him. A reef shark? Absolutely the fuck not!

Murdering Me

Man, my boyfriend could murder me so easily and get away with it. It just wouldn't be worth the paperwork. There's no motive. Who is going to insure a chain smoking blackout diver with a death wish? I'm practically already a missing person. An actuaries worst nightmare, uninsurable.

Holy shit, a shark is probably the only thing that has a motive to murder me!

So that is the story of the night dive. It was like being in space. But like, if there were sharks swimming around in space and also if there was no light. Space has light, so this is a bad comparison. I'll keep it going regardless...

Even if you did encounter a space shark, you’d only be worried that he would puncture your suit. The whole losing a limb situation would be a secondary concern, at best.

There you go. Now I am a Marine Biologist and an Astronaut. I’m going to apply for NASA right now.

Never mind, I just checked and if you want to work for NASA you have to register for a USA jobs account, LOL. Like that’s ever worked for anyone.