Sing me a Song of Stephanie: The Lore of a Cooler Me

I have never met Stephanie. I don’t know her last name or where she got her first name. She is my drunk alter ego, and she’s been a dumb bitch in more countries than I’ve been sober in. Most recently, she was a drunk bitch in Cozumel.

I used to have an exclusive relationship with vodka, which made me aggressive. Not "wrestling other girls in high heels on the Vegas Strip" aggressive, but "telling my arresting officer how he's not even my real dad" aggressive. Vodka never made me black out, though.

Stephanie was born when I discovered tequila. Tequila made me aggressively chill. Until I would just… black out. I’d wake up in my bed with no memory of getting home, a phone full of new Tinder matches and a stamp from Spearmint Rhino.

I went through years of alcoholism without a single blackout, but now Stephanie will come out for anything. Piña Coladas, Champagne, Margaritas and other adult beverages that I previously enjoyed without blackouts. Two hard seltzers and Stephanie’s already making out with a Lyft driver on the way to dive bar karaoke.

I’m not ashamed of her and I don’t hold myself responsible for her crimes. Honestly, I’m way more ashamed of the things I do sober. Stephanie once got kicked out of a nightclub, and my friends were mortified. I wasn’t, because I wasn't even there.

Stephanie became such a part of me that I used to drink tequila before first dates so I could be myself. You know, let this dude know upfront that I'm a monster. This explains why I don’t remember most of my thirties and also why I was single that whole time. (Stephanie repels men and I no longer consider that a drawback.)

At some point, I became aware of Stephanie. Not because I met her, that would have been impossible. I learned about Stephanie from hearing the lore, the stories, the songs my friends wrote about her. The complaints about getting kicked out of clubs and grabbing all my friends boobs.

Sometimes I think it might be multiple personality disorder. It would feel the same: wake up with no recollection of what the other personality did, piece it together from my phone. Like: Who took these vagina pics and sent them into the group chat? It was Stephanie.

Basically, Stephanie is way cooler than me. I kind of hope she’s real and I’m just the personality that was created to deal with all the trauma. That would make sense.

If she is the real personality, I hope she’s monetizing it. Wouldn’t it be cool if she was just absolutely killing it on OnlyFans and making way more money than I do?

Incident Report Subject: "Stephanie"

Background

Thus subject appears when tequila is consumed and initiates a complete personality override. Since initial exposure, subject can now be triggered by champagne, piña coladas, margaritas and as little as two hard seltzers.

Financial Crimes

Incident 001: Subject announced at multiple Las Vegas bars that she had just married a much older “friend” and solicited (free) celebratory drinks. The operation was successful.

Incident 002: Solicited $20 from an unknown male at the El Cortez Casino, and then used it to win $400 playing blackjack.

Cultural Offenses

Incident 003: While intoxicated at Coco Bongo, subject delivered very long and unsolicited lecture to Mexican nationals regarding Moctezuma’s alleged betrayal of his people and concluding that he deserved to be killed.

Incident 004: At an Irish bar, rejected tequila, poured contents onto carpet in front of bartender, refused to apologize because "that tequila sucked" and was forcibly removed.

Incident 005: Entered Medellín karaoke bar insisting she could sing in Spanish despite having demonstrating no proficiency. Sang in Spanglish, annoying everyone.

Incident 006: Insisted a man she met was from Iraq. Upon learning he was actually from Israel, subject refused to believe it, arguing that "he could not be from Israel because he is not funny."

Romantic & Sexual Misconduct

Incident 007: Followed unknown male into the jungle in Tulum under pretense of observing raccoons. Raccoons were observed.

Incident 008: Walked barefoot from the Stratosphere hotel after a public display of affection with an unidentified (random) male in front of subject’s coworkers. Subject was too inebriated to use Lyft app.

Incident 009: Consumed multiple Jell-O shots at Thunder from Down Under show, then groped a performer because “he looked like Khal Drogo.”

Incident 010: Name surfaced in multi-party mistress group text exposing an alleged adulterer. The primary witness did not know the man in question, but subject’s involvement is strongly suspected.

Incident 011: Caused entire friend group to establish “safety word” protocol in text messages after subject went home with a strange man in Playa del Carmen. Location sharing now required to verify well-being. Protocol remains in effect.

Petty Vandalism & Public Disorder

Incident 012: Threw reporting party’s bathmat into toilet without provocation.

Incident 013: Ejected from nightclub for undisclosed conduct; witnesses report “rowdy” behavior.

Incident 014: Caused removal from strip club due to excessive enthusiasm.

Incident 015: Captured and distributed intimate photographs using reporting party’s phone without consent.

Psychological Evaluation

Suspected dissociative presentation. Primary personality reports waking with no recollection of events, piecing together activities via phone records, photographs, and witness accounts. Subject demonstrates advanced social engineering skills, mild kleptomania and unpredictable mood swings ranging from aggressive confrontation to illogical acts of tenderness toward strangers.

Risk Assessment

Stephanie is considered:

• Charismatic (high risk of bystander cooperation)
• Resourceful (able to obtain money, alcohol and transportation)
• Unapologetic (does not recognize harm caused by actions)
• Globally Mobile (sightings confirmed across multiple countries)

Final Notes

Subject “Stephanie” is significantly more interesting and socially dominant than the host personality. There is ongoing speculation that she may in fact be the primary personality.