November 12 is the Exploding Whaleaversary!
A Whale suicide that Inspired a TikTok worthy event in 1970.
It was the worst of times, it was the worser of times (1970) when 8 tons of suicidal sperm whale landed on a beach in Oregon. Of course I don’t know for sure that the whale was suicidal, but why else would a whale go to the beach? Maybe he was avoiding a marriage proposal or he got tired of drinking water. In any case he died and left a massive sack of disgusting sperm whale carcass rotting on the beach. Hysterical!
The 45 foot dead whale was blocking the ocean view and upsetting the white people, who make up the entire population of Oregon. In fact, the whale was the blackest person in the state at the time. So of course they called the cops. The cops quickly realized that their firearms were useless against this moist piece of garbage, so they all ran around screaming and carrying on for a few days. All of this was broadcast on live television, the official tiktok of 1970.
Finally the smell kicked in and the white people were fed up with this soggy piece of shit. Animal Control was busy scraping up possums and smoking pot or whatever, so they called the leading experts in carcass removal and absolute HEROES at the Highway Division. Because who else would they call?! These highway engineers determined that the only way to dispose of this whale was the ‘Merica way: DYNAMITE!!!
If you’re going to stick something into a whale, the blowhole is the obvious choice. Perhaps the engineers didn’t know whale anatomy or maybe the blow hole was just really ikky, but they just daintily placed the TNT next to the dead whale. With this error, they turned the coolest whale funeral ever witnessed into a messy and embarrassing failure. Even the whale in heaven did a face palm.
On November 12 they attempted to detonate the whale, causing a climate disaster of epic proportions. The dreaded Rain of Organs blubbered down from the sky, pelting all people and objects for miles around with succulent whale remains. In the aftermath, the only partially exploded whale-bomb was still blocking the beach and it was all pointless, just like the life of the whale.
Obviously this was and still is the single most glorious (read: hilarious) event that has ever occurred in the history of the universe. Now we only blow up other countries and never anything fun like a whale carcass. We do have an Exploding Whale Memorial Park because after this, nothing cool ever happened in Oregon again. I guess Tonya Harding was born there but they didn’t name a park after her.
Mark your calendars and celebrate the 55th anniversary of this legendary whale-splosion on November 12. The town should hold a festival and we can all travel there, hit a whale piñata and visit the sperm whale’s grave which is on the beach right where he died.