How to Drink Tequila on an Island

It's so hard to get tequila on a Caribbean island. This whole thing started to be a map of all the islands ranked by how impossible it is to get tequila on them.

So this is the strategy if you like tequila and you're headed to an island. It will also work if you don't exclusively drink tequila because all alcohol is expensive on islands and self respect is overrated.

Here is my strategy to get drunk on a fancy island. And when I say fancy, I mean Dutch. Obviously.

When you land at the airport on the island you go straight to the duty free. Bring your credit card and buy as much tequila as you're going to need for the entire trip. Be careful because you want to get the exact correct amount of tequila so you don't end up abandoning it at the end of the trip... but also you do not want to run out under any circumstances.

If you do run out then you end up in Aruba paying $90 for a bottle of Jose Cuervo, which you'll probably decide is too trashy even for you and instead buy a $90 bottle of Absolute. Because you have standards. I'm an alcoholic but I've still got a shred of dignity left.

I mean they're both shitty well alcohols you can get for like $14 in the U.S. but for some reason drinking Cuervo is just fucking out of the question.

Then you go back to your AirBNB on Aruba (because you can only be on an island you cannot be in an island) and you put your Absolute in the freezer. And a couple of hours later you will learn that vodka freezes solid in Aruba. It's a magical place that defies the laws of physics.

That's how you learn that the fake-alcohol nightmare doesn't just happen in the Dominican Republic. I mean, yes the alcohol in the Dominican will either kill you or give you explosive diarrhea for a month. Shitting yourself is not a COVID symptom so fortunately, I was allowed to go home. However, getting home with fresh panties was a challenge. I wish it had killed me instead.

In defense of the happy island, Aruba just waters the alcohol down. A vodka popsicle is a spiritual low point but it's not the worst thing that can happen.

Anyway, you want to purchase the exact amount of alcohol needed so you also need to consider your friends.They are also going to be consuming this alcohol. My travel BFF and I are both tiny blonds. Okay, maybe we're not exactly "tiny" but we do look like light weights. You can weigh a lot and still look like a light weight.

Maybe we don't look like lightweights but we give wine mom vibes? I bet wine moms can't knock back 2 bottles of tequila a night for a month straight like we have, though. Maybe that's called a "fun aunt" who is similar to a wine mom but with better stories. And also we're getting drunk in Mexico and not at a PTA meeting like fucking losers.

In any case, find a balance. Do not underestimate your blonde friends. Then you will have tequila for the whole trip and it won't cost a small fortune. You can then spend the remainder of your money flying first class, buying dumb trinkets and not being drunk on Jose Cuervo.

That's the whole post just to give you this one travel tip: Buy alcohol at the duty free before you leave the airport. I don't know the exact math equation, so you’re going to have to figure it out by trial and error... and just hope no one in your traveling party is a secret alcoholic. (Open alcoholics only, that's my rule.)

Oh man, these are great travel tips but if I can't preface it with a bunch of nonsense you'd probably just ask ChatGPT. That's how you know my content isn't AI. Because it sucks.