How Not to Find a Roommate in Las Vegas
Can you believe that posting this on Craigslist didn't work? Only weirdos responded.
Before I became extremely cool like I am now, I needed to find a roommate and thought it was a good idea to post an ad on Craigslist about it. Only because I am awesome and obviously have extremely high roommate standards.
It all made sense at the time. It still makes sense if you don't think about it.
Did I find a roommate? No! Only weirdos responded and I ended up living alone in Paradise (that's what they call the ghetto here in Las Vegas.)
My lifestyle at the time included drinking copious amounts of tequila while watching either Magic Mike 2 or Ancient Aliens and eating way too much Carl's Junior. And then trying to mitigate those things by going to the gym.
Don't worry, I don't go to the gym anymore.
The Roommate Ad
ZOMG! THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! The dopest roommate you will ever have in your life has just become available and if you act now she could be moving in with you as soon as June 15!
Dope af bomb-diggity roommate!
My roommate of 2 years is selling her house and now I'm searching for my next long term roomie! Could that be you?
4 Years professional employment, WOW!
I have a college degree so that makes me seem legit, but it really just means I can't afford my own place even though I have a kick-ass job. My student loan is your homeowner gain. I'm ready to give you my hard earned cash!
Why am I the greatest?
I'm hilarious, I can fix your wifi and I do laundry on mother fucking Tuesdays! I will water your plants! I will hold your baby! I will lie to your boyfriend for you! You can even claim me as a dependent and make me an accessory to tax fraud! IDGAF!
Sooo quiet, WTF!
Plus, I'm a busy adult with important responsibilities and shit, so I go places a lot. Living with me is like living with Bruce Willis in The 6th Sense. I'm actually dead and I just don't know it. So you're never going to actually see me. Plus, I will totally overlook the multiple poltergeists haunting your crawlspace!
Amazing clean, never touches your shit!
You'll never have to do my dishes because ever since I started calling french fries "alternative green beans," I eat fast food and 7-11 hotdogs almost exclusively. If my calculations are correct, I should be fatter by the end of the day... and ready to bring that happy fat-girl vibe into your house! Thus, filling the void in your life and never touching any of your shit.
Let me move in with you. You can trust me, I'm from the internet.
If you are ready to let me move in today, email me and tell me about yourself and the room. Bonus points if you include your latest tweet and a top ten list of your favorite boy bands.
- employed!
- no felonies!
- drug free!
- no pets!
- not an asshole!
- watches mean girls!
- feeds birds at the park!
- will not drink your beer!
- fun LOLs all the time!
- has a car!