Hold Me in Contempt: A Deep Dive Into Legal Nonsense

Exhibit A: The Email in Question

I have mentioned that I have a friend who is a criminal attorney. This is a real email that I sent to her. I have edited this for spelling and clarity because I wrote it on my phone in bed while watching that show with William Shatner on the History Channel.

This is what it's like to be friends with me.

Subject: Attornify this whenever you have time for my fuckery

Okay get a load of this absolute nonsense I'm about to engage in. I need you to attornify this.

Let’s say a person has alien hand syndrome. As in, their hand is a separate being that has a mind of its own and does whatever it wants. This is a real medical condition. It’s on Wikipedia and the History Channel, so you know it’s totally legit. It's probably even in a medical book. End of research.

Healthcare Denied

Now, let’s say that the person’s health insurance does not cover any treatment for the alien hand syndrome even though the doctors are all,

“This guy totally needs healthcare treatment for his weird alien hand because it's creeping me out.”

I don't know what that treatment would be. Like an exorcist or some kind of hand therapy? In any case, the claim is denied because, of course it is. This is a health insurance company and that's what they do. Denying claims is their main job.

Honestly, this one might be fair because is an exorcist even considered a medical treatment? How much does that even cost? Is there one doctor in the world who exclusively treats the 12 people on Earth who have this condition? It would at least be the most understandable medical claim denial I've ever heard.

I'll have to save this question for when I make a friend who is a medical doctor.

So now the patient can not afford the treatment. So he just works from home so he doesn’t punch his boss in the face and lets his hand order shit on Amazon and stuff. Pretty much what I do, except I can’t convince my hand to let a demon control it. Accountability is such a goddamn burden.

Side Query

Can this man call his credit card company and dispute the charges for the purchases made by his hand? Like you can’t be held liable if your hand orders a bunch of shit, right? It's not technically you ordering the shit, you have an actual medical disability.

Haha, and what would your hand order on the internet anyway? Manicure oil and fancy tea gloves? A little hat? So then it can throw a tea party, but when it maliciously spills hot tea on you... can you sue your hand for the injury or do you need to actually sue yourself for being a dipshit?

If you can sue yourself for being a dipshit, I believe I have a pretty solid case against me. I would like to sue me for making all of the poor life choices that have led me to my current state of suffering. (old.)

Who is Liable if the Alien Hand Goes Rogue?

So, let’s say alien hand guy (who can not afford the alien hand treatment, whatever that may be) then commits a crime. Maybe (and this is completely hypothetical) he shoots the CEO of the healthcare company that denied his claim for alien hand treatment/exorcism.

Can he use his alien hand syndrome as a defense for that crime? Because it was his hand that killed the guy, not him. I guess you’d have to check the video to make sure he used his left hand. The left hand would logically be the alien hand. Everyone knows that left-handed people are witches.

The Punishment

The real question is, if your hand is found guilty of murder how do they punish the hand without punishing the person attached to it? I think I read a conjoined twin once got away with murder because if they put him in prison they would also have to put his brother in prison. And the brother was innocent, so they were just like, fuck it this is too much of a hassle, just let him go.

If you think about it, the suspect could then sue the insurance company because they are liable for the crime. If they hadn’t denied his claim, then his alien hand would have been fixed (or at least not so homicidal) and the death would not have occurred.

Thus, it was only due to the insurance company's negligence that the crime was committed at all. This shit is their fault and it just happens to be a perfect circle of karma. Chefs kiss! Mind blowing, majestic irony.

Additional Lawsuits & Charges

Plus, the insurance company put their peeps on a website, endangering them. Everyone knows you don’t publish the members of your crime organization on your crime website. It's like the first rule of crime. That dead guy's family should sue the insurance company for putting his name on the website, too.

The only defense they can possibly have is, “Yeah but what if the other hand did it, there’s no way to know!” But there is a way to know, bitch. You simply interrogate each hand separately. That's police 101, every criminal organization knows that. Their defense is easily debunked bullshit.

Faking Alien Hand Syndrome

The insurance company would be right by accusing him of faking, because you could orchestrate all of this really easily. Alien hand syndrome is not a provable condition like cancer or a medical thing with evidence. But if you planned it long enough, you could build this into an epic alibi.

If you want to kill a guy, you could spend 3 years going to the doctor to complain about your hand being an asshole. They can’t test you for it. If they try to do a test you could just punch the doctor in the face with your alien hand. Boom, that’s the test! Passed with flying colors, baby.

Hopefully, the insurance company would at least pay for this diagnostic test?

No matter what, the doctor would have to put it in your medical records. Even if he thought you were full of shit, he couldn’t prove it. He’d just have to be like, “This dude says he has alien hand syndrome and idk, but his hand does seem to be a bit of a dick.”

Is this a movie? Did I just write a Law & Order plot?

Goddammit, this is why I’m supposed to be a fucking comedian, I’m absolutely too ridiculous to be a real girl! Ohh, look at me, I’m holding myself in contempt! Pish Posh.

Damages

So if the insurance company is found liable for the crime, what are the damages? They would have to make amends to both the dead guy's family and the dude who shot him and probably that doctor he punched in the face 3 years ago.

Plus they would have to pay you back for all the amazons your hand ordered that your shitty credit card company made you pay for.

The Podcast

Okay. Now. You argue with me and tell me in a lawyery way how I’m wrong about all of this and I’m a big giant idiot who watches too much Ancient Aliens. Then we start our own podcast and we call it Hilary and Britney's Brilliant Legal Strategies. (That's a working title, it should at least have a legal pun.)

We could have a whole legal version of Love Line where we talk about law instead of love, and you are all professional because you’re a proper adult and I’m just talking about zombie negligence or some other nonsense that you hate me for saying out loud. Then we sell merch aaaaand...

PROFIT!

On the next episode we can discuss red flags. First of all, how are they red if you can’t fucking see them? If someone doesn’t show you their red flags and then turns into a shitty boyfriend can you sue him for not warning you with red enough flags? Or are you negligent for not seeing the flags, even though literally no one ever sees them?

Should Hinge not be required to take reasonable care to insure that red flags are disclosed clearly somewhere on each profile? Every boy should have a disclaimer, men be dangerous.

Dude, they have a fucking hotness algorithm, they should be able to create one for red flags that just takes points off every time a dude has the audacity.

Closing Arguments: Your Honor, I’m Ridiculous

Ok seriously, write me back because I’m about to go to an open mic and just read this shit out loud on a stage. Then I'll be all full of myself for like a day before my self esteem tanks and I need another attention fix. You do not want that!

Also, you can’t stop being friends with me. You knew I was ridiculous when we met. It was in the friend disclaimer. Omg it was a red flag that you ignored, OH SHIT! Lawyered! I rest my fuckin’ case, your majesty!

(She did not email me back.)