First Class is the Heroin of the Sky

A couple of years ago my boyfriend and I were waiting to get on a miserable Spirit flight to Utah when they announced that an upgrade to first class was like $20. I've only flown Spirit solo in the past because I’m small enough to fit under the seat. I still don't like it.

Everyone else I know is too fat to fly Spirit. Or just regular adult sized. Also, I could never convince anyone to fly Spirit with me because once you've done it once you never want to again. Flying Spirit is for financial emergencies.

Step 1: The Low Price Lure

I didn't even know spirit had first class. When they announced the available upgrade, zero people actually got up to go get that sweet upgrade deal.

That's how poor the people who fly Spirit are.

We're DINKs now, so we have some "disposable income" and took the $20 upgraded seats. Apparently we were the richest people on that Spirit flight because we had twenty dollars.

So there we were experiencing first class. It was a glorious 12 minute flight from Vegas to Salt Lake spent in maximum luxury seating. It occurred to me that this experience would be even more pleasurable on a real airline. A real airline where we could be both comfortable and drinking alcohol at the same time!

It turns out I am both a person of high taste and an alcoholic.

It was like I just discovered a new way to travel... but the cost was $20. That's how they get you, it's like becoming addicted to heroin, but worse because they have rehab for heroin addicts. There is no rehabilitation for being bougie, you just have to suffer for the rest of your fucking life being a commoner.

The Illegal Travel Hack

I used to carry airport bottles onto the plane and order soda water. Then I would simply add tequila from my bag and boom! I'm getting drunk on a flight for free.

Tequila was my personal item.

So I've always been getting drunk on flights but it has just recently come to my attention that this is actually against the law. I guess someone saw me and made it illegal? In any case that was before they added it to the airplane announcements.

To be fair it could have been in the announcements since 1997 and I just haven't noticed until now. In any case, no one sent me an email about this new rule that ruined one of my #1 travel tips for managing your alcoholism on long flights.

That was my emotional support tequila!

Step 2: Rationalizing

Next time we were flying (this time on a legitimate adult airline) we noticed first class was only $150 extra and we could check 2 bags for free. We're scuba divers now, so luggage has become an even bigger pain and we're always paying $100 in baggage fees. When the cost of first class is less than what they’re going to charge you just to bring your shit, then first class is a good deal, or even... smart.

Do you see how this is escalating??? It is escalating into me becoming a bougie asshole who flies first class! We've been doing this for a while now. On my next trip, I’m flying coach and I’m absolutely devastated about it!

I can’t fly in the back in steerage with the peasants!

Step 3: My Life Depends On It Now

In the case of a plane crash, the people on the back of the plane are more likely to survive the crash. So now I'm increasing my chances of living through an airline crash by sitting in the proper "I want to live and keep my money" seats? Ugh!

Do you know how horrific it would be to live through a plane crash? Are you kidding me? Even if I were to remain perfectly intact and uninjured, living through a plane crash would ruin my life. I could never get on a plane again.

The only reason I am alive now is because I always have a trip planned to keep me from killing myself. If I become too scared to be on a plane then what? I just work and be miserable for the rest of my life?! Fuck that, if the plane crashes, I better die.

I should check the terms and conditions because I will sue that airline if I live. I'll have to work on my legal theories more. Then I'll have to use that lawsuit money to take a train everywhere or something... and I don't have that much PTO!

So now my quality of life actually depends on flying first class. I've justified the cost, experienced the bougie side and I can't go back. I am fully committed. Now they can charge whatever they want because they've got me hooked.

That's how you get addicted to first class. You start out flying under the seat on Spirit Airlines and end up drunk in an airport. Knowing that travel doesn’t have to be insanely uncomfortable for absolutely no reason makes flying coach so much more upsetting.

It changes you.

Any time I do pay the extra money for first class, I make it my goal to prove that I absolutely do not belong in first class. Most of the time I wear sweatpants on flights but on first class I wear a big pink hat like I'm going to the Kentucky Derby. Then my boyfriend wears a matching suit.

Our first class flying attire is so fucking classy that I had a painting commissioned of us wearing it on a boat.

We should be flying by private jet in no time just based on looks alone.

But noooo, I'm going to Cozumel again in October and first class is not $20 or $150. Now it's a ridiculous $2,000. Heroin.

I tried to convince my boyfriend to fly first class on Spirit to Cancún instead. He said no because then we'd have to take the bus to Playa Del Carmen and the ferry to Cozumel and we can't have a repeat of that poop disaster.