Drunk Before Landing, First Class & No Class

We allegedly landed at the Cozumel airport. I do not know from first hand experience because I blacked out somewhere over the Gulf of America. I was incredibly busy knocking back free champaign because you have to get your money's worth when you fly first class.

To me, that means I have a legal and moral obligation to elevate my BAC in direct proportion to the plane’s cruising altitude. Otherwise, what's the point? A warm towel and a sense of superiority. I can't inject those into my body in order to feel something.

So we landed at the Cozumel airport according to what others have told me. I had already gone FULL STEPHANIE before the wheels hit the tarmac. As it turns out, my BAC does not descend as quickly as a 747.

Then I attempted go to the duty free to buy tequila, as you do when you are a responsible traveler. I’ve become accustomed to fancier islands, where tequila is rare, expensive and impossible to locate. Of course, in Mexico getting tequila was not going to be a problem but try telling that to my drunk alter ego.

I was operating on pure muscle memory because that's how amazing I am at travel alcoholism.

I'm like a tequila homing pigeon.

The point is I was absolutely shit faced wasted in the airport buying 2 bottles of tequila right before we headed to an all inclusive resort because Stephanie does not make good decisions. And she has my credit card.

The next thing I remember I was being handed a glass of champaign by my boyfriend at the resort. He is either deeply devoted to me or has a kink for watching women unravel in luxury settings.

Indeed, it is a beautiful love.

By the way I’m going to refer to him as my boyfriend and never tell you his name because that way if I get a new boyfriend I won’t have to go back to edit all references to him retroactively.

Of course, his name is Sean and I do have like a thousand friends named Sean. I suppose it’s possible I could seamlessly trade him out for a different Sean and hope no one notices. Or I could just inform the next guy that I will be referring to him as Sean regardless of his wishes.

That actually sounds easier than editing posts retroactively.

But let's be real, I'm past my dating expiration date and if we break up now I'm not "getting back out there" to look for a new Sean. I will not be getting on a dating app and pretending to care about fitness. I'm a diver now and I've fully transitioned into a gross sea witch that looks like a lesbian.

I'll just continue getting blackout drunk in various countries until I die or my daughter puts me in a nursing home. If you think about it, a nursing home is just a shitty all inclusive with nurses right?

Anyway, if my boyfriend ever gets upset because I mention him on here, I’ll just tell him I’m talking about one of the other Seans. And when he’s like “you called him your boyfriend” I will say "Yeah, one of my other boyfriends." That should work out just fine.