An Open Letter to Shinesty: Please Sponsor Our Alcoholism

I've never done anything seriously in my entire life. Everything I've ever done started out as a joke. Even my prestigious career in building websites came from me being a complete fuck-up. (But hey, hit me up if you want a fucking website, I like money.)

Example

The last time I was on a cruise there was a dude playing piano in a fancy lounge. There weren't very many people around. I asked if he was taking requests and he said yes, so I asked him to play WAP. Absolutely glorious, right?

Wrong. He said he didn't have the sheet music, but we both knew that was bullshit. Everyone knows Wet Ass Pussy. Everyone.

Get Matching Outfits

Anyway, one of my favorite bad trip tips (for those of you who are absolute savages) is to acquire matching outfits. If your partner refuses, break up with that loser immediately and find someone who's fun.

You can't have badass travel adventures where you get blackout drunk and almost die when you've got some responsible partner caring what other people think and keeping you alive and shit.

Fuck that. It's Ride or Die. I choose die.

Going on Cruises

Look, cruises aren't my preferred style of traveling. I like to go see shit and do things instead of floating around with a bunch of xenophobes who are too scared of dying in a Mexican jungle to experience real travel.

However, cruises are easy to plan and they have all you can drink packages, so sometimes it just makes sense. That doesn't mean you have to take all their fancy dress up nights seriously. You can just go to an art show in matching outfits and Kentucky Derby hats. Who's going to stop you?

After matching outfits, trip tip #2 is definitely to make everyone regret trying to make you do anything in any serious way. I mean it. Crash a wedding. Do a back roll off the boat. Who cares?

Also, if you can't afford Virgin Cruises definitely go Celebrity. Don't even think about a Carnival Cruise unless your idea of luxury is shitting in a bag. (Actually shitting in a bag would be hilarious, but only like that one time.)

Our Go-To For Matching Outfits

Anyway we wear matching outfits everywhere, not just on cruise ships. I think it's just more appreciated on cruise ships. We're still awesome even when we're not on cruise ships (so like, most of the time.)

Our go-to for buying matching outfits is Shinesty.

Don't ask me how to pronounce that. The way I say it makes my boyfriend "uncomfortable" and he's pretty cool with most shit, so saying this word out loud is bad. That's why we want to avoid it.

And so, in August of 2023 I sent this email to Shinesty.

After spending 6.9% of our annual income on your quality products, we would like to submit a complaint and a small request for recompense.

The Cruise Ship Casanova, La Flamenco(a), and Oahu Rendezvous matching outfits make us SLAY on our vacations. I (Hilary) also appreciate the matching panties because I pass out in exotic locations like it's my job. Panties that don't match just seem unprofessional and from experience I know sunburns to the labia are painful. Sean doesn't wear panties because he's trying to get more sun on his butthole (for health reasons.)

Your clothing helps us advertise the fact that we are the most fun and awesome couple that anyone has ever met. Every time we step into a cruise ship bar, seagulls majestically fly up around us to announce our arrival. All heads turn and someone will yell out, "Look, it's Sean and Hilary!" A record will scratch and wind blows through our hair (well, MY hair) as bar patrons take selfies with us and ask if they can touch Sean's immaculate butthole. Women swoon and men drool as the bartenders douse us with their finest champagne in a spectacular show of adoration.

Even though we are both very unattractive, we've fielded numerous proposals to swing with other couples while wearing your garments. This sounds cool, but the other couples are even MORE unattractive than we are... and their outfits don't even match! These losers are so boring and ugly we believe they are just trying to absorb our awesome powers.

To avoid this attention we sometimes remove your remarkable styles and wear plain brown paper bags to disguise our identities... but we continue to be recognized! This is the problem: since we're millennials we don't want to be popular unless it's on social media. All day we're making new friends, signing peoples tits and fielding questions about where we got these inspiring outfits. In short: you've made us celebrities and it's a fucking nightmare. We don't go on vacation to make friends, we're there to get black out drunk and be fucking awesome. (And maybe see a sea turtle or something.)

All these questions about our dope ass threads are interfering with our DPH (Drink Per Hour) average. Have you tried to spell "S-H-I-N-E-S-T-Y" while drunk?! As we struggle to spell it out in our state of inebriation, the admirer has his or her phone in hand, presumably typing it into google. But really they're taking photos of us! (See attached photo texted to us by some unknown rando after our last vaca.)

We know someday we'll wake up in a bed with another couple wearing our exact same STUNNING attire. Our real BFFs are out there, but we will never recognize them if you don't sell more of this extraordinary drinking gear! We must spread the Shinesty word.

As loyal customers and first class human trash, we would like to request that you send us business cards for our upcoming vacations. This way, we can continue to double fist our margaritas in front of our congregation of onlookers. And if they happen to ask where we got our superior fashion ensembles we will simply use a t-shirt cannon to make it rain Shiensty cards and glitter while we quietly slip away from the crowd. Magical marketing accomplished! Then we'll probably have sex or vomit or both, we're fucking cool.

If you want to include a "Sean & Hilary" promo code on the card so you can later send us a list of all of our "friends" for blackmailing purposes that is entirely up to you. We suggest a 6.9% discount using promo code MOUTHCRIMES but we're not the marketing experts.

Below is our address where you can send us the cards. Our next trip is in November. Thank you for helping us reconcile this problem in an expeditious manner.

Can you believe they didn't respond to this???